Response 9

Question: How do you meet people who are fuck-worthy and not completely insane (functionally insane is ok)?

Answer: I'm still working on that one. Perhaps...internet dating? Or sleep with frnds you already know are functionally insane? Let me know if you figure something out. I would like a solution please.

Response 8

Question: From a patron customer at the restaurant: "Is there any milk or cream in the cream of mushroom soup?"

Answer #1 (what was said): Yes. But let me go double-check with the kitchen

Answer #2 (the real answer): You are a fucking retard and are too stupid to be alive. Go kill yourself and stop wasting my time.

Response 7

Question: Is duck rape really the worst, in you opinion as a doctor?

Answer: No. As a doctor, one sees many things rape a whole lot of other things.  The worst, I fear, is yet to be seen. An example, however, of thing worse than duck rape, would be the constant raping of cars by dragons and motorheads.

Response 6

Question: How do you get David Howard to stop playing guitar hero?

Answer: There precious few ways to make that happen. The most common two ways are to either suggest he play DDR or suggest he play Zelda. Another way, might be to take his legs out or startle him will boobs. Like, slap his face around with some titties, kinda startling. Or groping his junk until he runs away from the living room. With this last option it would help if you whispered in his ear "Slut Disaster wants your seeeeeed"

Response 5

Question: Who will be the next king of everything?

Answer: I have long been considering this. Usually I default to thinking that mighty Cthulhu will rise from the sea to destroy the minds of humanity. But I think there will be one or two before him, so I wouldn't say he will be the NEXT king of everything. I'm leaning towards Dolph Lundgren or some kind of giant albatross wearing a wig.

Response 4

Question: Andy, please help! We're at a loss here in Canfield... Which is the best freshman?

Answer: They are all a bunch of douchebags.NEXT!

Response 3

Question: If I want to study faeries, how do I make a Bennington plan around that? I like the Dark Crystal and totes wanna focus on that.

Answer: Easy! Step 1: go to Bennington. Step 2: Go to a plan meeting. Step 3: Masturbate furiously at your plan committee  while screaming about faeries and the Dark Crystal. Step 4: Money-shot on the most prestigious committee member. Step 5: Receive Bachelor's Degree.

Response 2

Question: Hey Andy, how do I find a purpose for living? I feel as though I should be enjoying my youth, but I just can't. I'm out in the suburbs presently, jobless, and feeling existentially charred. Most mornings I wake up thinking, "What's the point?" Drinking doesn't help!

Response: Sometimes purpose finds you. Specifically searching is often an excercise in futility. And drinking totally helps. What are you, gay?

Response

Question: If a time traveling sea serpent attacked Gotham city and metropolis who would destroy it first: doctor who, batman, aquaman, or superman?

Answer: None of the above. A (similarly timetraveling) hero would emerge, wielding all sorts of justice from all sorts of hands. I speak, of course, of the master of space-time, Abraham Lincoln. He would rape that serpent into submission in two shakes of a lambs tail.

And welcome, one and all...

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